A good friend of Mechanical Music lives in England,
and under the pen name of "Doctor Duarte" Adam Ramet attempts - and
mostly fails - to answer the most common questions posed to the pianola
owner. Adam's
Player Piano Page contains this advice - along with more serious aspects of
the hobby.
Piano malpractice lawsuits should be forwarded to
the good Doctor, directly.
Note: "Biro" = U.K. brand-name term for "ballpoint
pen", like USA's "Bic".
1. Dr.
Duarte's Pianola Problems
2. Dr.
Duarte Writes Again
3. Dr.
Duarte's On Thin Ice
4. Dr.
Duarte Thru The Tulips
5. Dr.
Duarte In Clover
This appeared in the PPG
Bulletin dated 06-1999
Allow
me to introduce myself having just joined the PPG aged 101 hoping to go
immediately to honorary membership simply because of my age. I have been a
Pianola General Practitioner all my career. I have been collecting old rolls now
for nearly 75 years and after three wives four eviction notices and a fire I can
proudly boast that my collection is the most interesting in the world. I am
often asked for my advice and so am committing to print some of the many
questions people ask me with answers for readers on this page.
Dear Doctor, how may I repair a missing leader tag?
Many have tried various methods including using a paperclip, sellotape punched
through with a biro or making a new leader from a brown paper bag with a tag
made from a yacht sail eye sewn onto the end. Whilst all these produce very
satisfactory results by far the best method is to obtain some old garden twine
(save some from the greenhouse tomatoes at the end of each year ideally to save
money) and staple the string to the old leader making a loop at the end as a
tag.
Dear Doctor, how may I repair a slightly worn edge?
When the edges of a roll are frayed and don't track simply sellotape the sides.
You can then play the roll immediately with no problems. By the time it goes
yellow and wrinkles after a few years you'll be bored of that tune and won't
play it anyway. You can then just bung it in an auction somewhere. Everyone else
does. Also, sellotape is ideal on Artona rolls that speed up as you get near the
end - sellotape slows them to the correct speed.
Dear Doctor, can I make my own song rolls?
Spice up dull rolls without words and write your own on with a felt tip pen.
Sing your new composition to family and friends -how talented you are they will
think! If you change your mind about some of the words go over them with some
Tippex correction fluid and write fresh ones! Also, if you use a thick black
marker pen for your lyrics and it goes through the roll paper you can see
instantly if the roll paper was good quality or not.
Dear Doctor, can I doctor dull tunes?
Your very own Do-It-Yourself Leabarjan perforator lies right under your nose and
it's name is the Metrostyle pointer. Poke the pointer through the roll into the
tracker bar to add extra notes. Sharpen it with a file until it is razor sharp
first. Then tear the roll down a bit to cut the note the desired length. If you
punch the wrong note see my sellotape discourse above. To chain the notes with
bridges or not that is the question. It is entirely your own call on that.
Dear Doctor, can you suggest a pianola Xmas present for a friend?
When it comes to this Millenial Xmas what better gift to a music lover than an
Andrew Lloyd Webber music roll torn off the spool with the box and spool wrapped
up in the roll. Spare spools and boxes are always useful and lovers of good
music hate Lloyd Webber "tunes" and will think this a most thoughtful
gift.
Dear Doctor, how may I improve the appearance of old rolls?
Save nice pictures from old magazines and paste them onto dull rolls where there
is frequently plenty space and not many notes. You will view them as the roll
plays. For example you might stick a few birds and something from a ladies
clothing catalogue onto a roll of "The Maiden and the Nightingale" or
a snap of an old van on "Don't Dilly Dally On The Way". You could even
go as far as painting rainbow colour on the spool ends and then watch these go
round as the roll plays! It pleasantly engages weak minds and small children for
hours!
Dear Doctor, I am lost without the metrostyle line. Help!
Oh I know - it bothers me too with those metronomically cut rolls. One minute
you're all alla marcia and the next without the thin red line in sight you're
all at sea! Take a fluorescent marking pen and write the true speed across the
sheet large so you can't fail to slow down in time. I have seen recently a roll
where someone had written on it "Oi! Slow down mate!" just after the
introduction. If you need this sort of reminder just go right ahead. You can but
only gain by using these interpretational aide memoires!
Dear Doctor, how can I test the tracking device?
Take an old copy of "The Rosary" (easily obtainable from all
secondhand roll-stockists for free) and cut inch deep and inch long slots
alternately from each side. Play the roll and if that doesn't give the tracking
system the workout of it's cloth lifespan I don't know what will.
Dear Doctor, can I stop Duo-Art rolls tinkling and thumping on my Triumph
Autopiano?
For the uninitiated, reproducing rolls were all terribly made with not only
sloppy timing errors and cheeky editing but the rolls tracked like haywire when
recorded requiring extra holes near the edges which are self-reproducing
sprocket holes. They don't appear evenly down the roll as they recreate how far
the roll must wobble and hence reproduce the haphazard way the recording piano
paper roll used to wander all over the place. Fortunately Triumph Autopiano
spent $250,000.00 (in 1908) developing a far better system that doesn't track at
all. Slice off the first inch of each side and you'll have none of these daft
problems cropping up when you play these rubbishy old rolls. You'll need to make
2 circular sponge adaptors to narrow the take-up spool also. No sponge to hand?
Just sellotape the holes up instead. Personally it's never worth the effort when
you consider things like Red Welte rolls never have the proper pianola tremolo
arrangements anyway which just goes to show lack of quality. Vorsetzer? Pah! The
same to you I say! And furthermore Welte's dull red paper isn't a good
background if you're going to paste on pictures either!
Dear Doctor, can you suggest a mechanical music oriented holiday?
Why bother splashing out on going to Amsterdam. After having a few screws out
you can get plenty rubber, leather and filth inside any old pianola. And while
we're on the subject why bother going all the way to Amsterdam for drugs. You
can get the same woozy effect from listening to any Meloto dance roll played
slowly with the sustain pedal jammed down with a biro. Alternately see your
dealer about scoring you a roll of Beethoven's Eighth.
Dear Doctor, can ragtime harm leather gaskets?
No, playing ragtime piano rolls can't harm leather gaskets. Stride piano,
however, has been suspected as a cause of corrosion in pot metal castings and
companies whose players had pot metal castings never issued stride pianorolls
for this reason one suspects i.e. Farrand Cecilian, Higel etc. Of course in the
early years it was perceived that ragtime and jazz were the music of the devil
and it was a constant concern that hot music might spill from the spool box and
harm small children who were pedalling pianolas with their hands. To overcome
these safety concerns the pedal trapdoor was made to slide horizontally instead
of the ones that clip up and spool boxes were fitted with an additional glass
sliding door. And all this thanks to ragtime! Ah well, you know the old saying -
"The devil has all the best tunes"!
Dear Doctor, I am worried that my pianola has woodworm. All the little
paper rolls seem to have holes in them. What should I do?
Play the roll and sellotape up any woodworm holes which are not cut in
harmony with the rest of the music. Woodworm usually eat in octaves but some
species chew out augmented fourths which always leave a nasty taste in the
mouth. Most species are hopeless sight readers and you'll find they all punch
rolls on a par with Artona output. If the problem persists play the roll slowly
whilst you spray it liberally with a can of fly spray. Put the pianola lever to
"silent" position to stop the spray being sucked into the holes. About
half a can should do the trick.
Dear Doctor, I read about getting bitten by snakes when playing rolls.
Should I wear protective equipment when playing my pianola, or simply keep my
fingers out of the spoolbox?
The rattling of loose ladder chain can often attract snakes to the
spoolbox and dangerously, in grands with a drawer action many snakes may
congregate. Ampico realising the dangers installed silent electric roll motors
to reduce the risk. Snakebite holes on rolls are generally found on rolls made
in Australia and the USA where snakes are more prevalent. In the UK only the
adder would do this but they are generally found only in southern grasslands and
not pianola spoolboxes though global warming may change this. In the same way
that snakes weave to the vibrations of the snake charmer's foot so they also
bite pianorolls in time to the music. This provides "snakebite
expression" so really they're quite beneficial. If you find a snake in your
spoolbox biting a roll before the roll says "Solo" shut the roll door
quickly and rewind at top speed keeping going until the rewinding rolls' tag has
slapped the snake to death.
Dear Doctor, is it true your personal roll collection consists entirely of
boxless Meloto foxtrots?
Yes, it's true........so what? Does anyone have a problem with that?
This appeared in the PPG
Bulletin dated 09-1999
Firstly, a big thankyou to all those who sent kind wishes
for my speedy recovery following my recent attempt to build my own roll
perforator. My G.P. reckons I'll regain full use of both hands within a month.
To replace the borrowed one that broke during my initial perforator run of
Winifred Attwell's Black and White Rag my daughter-in-law has now agreed to
accept the replacement food-blender. The one she lent me broke when my snicker-snee
snapped after I evidently put way too much tremolo into the introduction.
Nonetheless, rolls should ship shortly. Order Roll No. D-01 Winifred Attwell's
Black & White Rag (Botsford arr Attwell arr Duarte)
Dear Doctor, what is the best way to fit a mandolin rail?
Push the contents of a box of brass drawing pins into the striking face of
the hammers to give you all the rinky-tink you need! An average box has about 60
pins so start a couple of octaves up or you'll run out of rinky-tink before the
high treble. Your QRS rewind holes may never sound the same again! Not all music
may be suited to pianos thus doctored (no pun intended). Be warned though - that
serene ballad of loveliness "The Rosary" may sound worse than usual.
My inspirational genius has created a special new version suitable for mandolin
rail players. The roll is;- Roll No.D-02 The Rosary - a 4 hand ragtime one-step
arrangement + chime effects (Nevin arr Duarte). Why not also try my Roll No.D-03
Indian Sitar Dinner Music (traditional arr Duarte) as sitar music sounds quite
realistic on a mandolin rail.
Dear Doctor, how might I best fabricate replacement roll boxes?
Cut the bottom few inches from a Cornflakes box and the same from a slightly
larger Rice Krispies box. Place the roll in the bottom of the Cornflakes packet
and then put the top of the Rice Krispies box over it for a perfect fitting lid.
You can save on assembly time if you keep repeating the words "Cornflakes -
bottom - Rice Krispies - top" while you assemble the boxes. Eating this
much cereal to re-box your collection is very healthy indeed!
Dear Doctor, can old shoe boxes be used for roll storage
Yes, but only certain titles. "The Girl with the Brogue" from 'The
Arcadians' and "The Flat Foot Floogee" are good examples.
Dear Doctor, I'd love to know the full title of a favourite roll. The worn
details say "R_stle _f Sp__ng _y Sinding" or something.
Certainly, the piece you have is entitled;- "Rustle of Sponge" by
Sinding. One of my recut projects is a special interpretative arrangement of
this piece wherein the melody brims over with waves of my specially added
interpretative tremolo giving a tone-poem effect like you are beneath the waves
hearing the fabulous "Rustle of Sponge". For a free 2000-page
description of my "Rustle of Sponge" (order Roll No. D-04) send an
Stamped Addressed Suitcase + £500 in stamps.
Dear Doctor, I have since been told the title was "Rustle of
Spring" by Sinding
No, that's a different Sinding…..with an 's' like the 'c' in 'ice'.
Dear Doctor, is it easier to play a piece by ear after one hearing than
following the roll?
Yes and no. Slow pieces are playable by ear quite easily. However, heavily
perforated pieces played presto pose potential problems. Supplying such songs
sufficient suction by ear requires deft cranial compression upon the treadles
with your ears to avoid accidentally acquiring an acute migraine headache.
Manipulation of control levers may also prove problematic during ear treadling.
A charming waltz by me and popular at Irish wakes as a two-ear arrangement is my
Roll No.D-05 The Funeral March Waltz (Chopin arr Duarte).
Dear Doctor, do you say "welt-eee" or "veldt" or "weeeelte"
or "velt-eee" or what?
I have not a clue and cannot assist.
Dear Doctor, can you suggest a good practice roll?
A beginners practice will never disturb anyone when they play my Roll
No.D-06 4'31'' (John Cage arr Duarte) which is blank paper lasting 4'31"
followed by a rewind hole. Originally I 'd planned this as a medley with Cage's
2'11" but I lost all 9 biros from my top pocket during the perforator
incident so I couldn't finish doing the Metrostyle squiggles properly.
Dear Doctor, why are Metrostyle lines squiggly?
In short they're squiggly when they're done sloppily. When done properly
they're wiggly. Happily, most just are wobbly.
Dear Doctor, I'm looking for enjoyable duets. Can you suggest a good title?
Get snug on the treadles head-to-head with a loved one with my
triumphalistic 4-ears arrangement Roll No.D-07 Famous Finales Medley of final
scenes from 15 alphabetically arranged Wagner operas (Wagner arr Duarte). It
plays at a tempo of 30 so you get plenty music for your money and it's a
whopping 12" in diameter. You may also purchase my new PPG roll-party set
which comprises the Wagner roll, winged Wotan helmet, blond Brunhilde wig, lyric
sheets, two kazoos, plastic sword and a box of Swan Vestas. Quality with
quantity!
Dear Doctor, our toddler grandson has just blocked up my tracker bar holes
with half a soggy rusk and two handfuls of mashed banana, what am I to do?
Cut him out of your Will.
Dear Doctor, my wife's divorcing me and we're currently dividing everything
equally. Which 2 of our 4 Indian Love Lyrics should I let her have and which
should I get to keep?
Ah, a paradox worthy of Gilbert and Sullivan! Keep the longest -with the most
music - or give her the most boring?. The paradox is they're all long and
boring. Here's a how-de-doo! My advice? Have the last laugh; let her have the
lot with the parting words of the Mikado;- "..what could be more
satisfactory". As for finding another wife, well…. "there's plenty
good fish in the sea….yum yum" but don't tell her the "yum yum"
bit as it may imply further grounds for divorce.
Dear Doctor, if rubber won't go over nipples is this because it's too kinky?
Yes, that is the reason. Is this a pianola problem?
Dear Doctor, what is my boxed mint condition Duo-Art roll of "The Holy
City" worth?
It's worth keeping quiet about.
Dear Doctor, my pub mates always look bored when I strike up pianola
conversation.
Reserve frank banter about reservoirs and Frank Banta for PPG socials
perhaps. Try to learn the art of pub small-talk. Otherwise, and don't take this
the wrong way, they may think you're a bit of a sad case. And no, Frank's wife
wasn't Mary.
This appeared in the PPG
Bulletin dated 12-1999
Congratulations to one certain Mr. J Dyer - the prize
winning entry getting the roll of "Because" in last issues'
competition. Nameless bad losers however, have since speculated that one certain
Mr J Dyer may have allegedly delayed posting the aforesaid journals to ensure
that nobody else could enter the competition before the closing date thus
securing his win. No, I won't have it I say. It is blatantly evident that
nameless bad losers simply don't want to let on that secretly they actually
quite like Nevin's "The Rosary" and that's all there is to it.
Dear Doctor, can Evostick be used in player restorations?
My dear amateur, you have stumbled upon one of the most closely guarded secrets
of the trade. Indeed, some of todays best known restorers swear by the stuff.
They'll not tell you this of course because it's a trade secret. Indeed, they
only told me after I plied them with several pints down the pub. It is an art
using that stuff - the glue not the beer. It's a skill that takes years to
acquire. My own preferred glue is the stuff that smells of pear drops every time
I sniff it from a brown bag. It smells almost as nice as WD40 but using that
really is a top secret!
Dear Doctor, I am converting my old Orchestrelle to play from Gavoili
98-key music books. Where should I put the percussion?
Ideally you want to hack out some fretwork on each side and stick the percussion
inside. The glockenspiel should go above the music desk where the bandmaster
should stand. Put a bell-ringer infront of each drum. If its a small
Orchestrelle put the drums on small DIY shelves either side of the case and
you'll just have to put up with it looking like a cheap Limonaire I'm afraid.
Dear Doctor, is it possible to use a computer to convert Polyphon discs
into Ampico B Dinner Music?
The two formats actually have much in common. Firstly, both consist of
punched-out holes allowing music to percolate through. Secondly, the maxim
"the music goes round and round" holds true for both so it shouldn't
be too hard to do a conversion. I once tried to transcribe tunes from a barrel
organ onto roll by rolling the barrel down a blank roll so the pins would
perforate the notes. In theory it was excellent but in practice it never quite
worked despite some Artona rolls appearing to have been punched by this method.
Dear Doctor, I keep my burnt shellac sealer in old Marmite jar. Last week
I inadvertently sealed a set of new valves up with the contents of a different
jar. Will Marmite harden like burnt shellac or shall I have to go over the work?
Yes, Marmite makes a good airtight seal when it dries and the colour is very
close to the original. Wipe off any excess not with methylated spirits but
instead use hot buttered toast which should never be too hot as it might warp
the wood. Black toast gives the better colour.
Dear Sir, I must protest! I tried out your ear treadling nonsense last
issue. The treadle door slammed down on my head knocked out two front teeth and
a dead spider landed in my mouth!
It serves you right. Routine maintenance and a good vacuum out of your piano
would have prevented this. Furthermore may I point out that strictly speaking
physical injuries of a comic pianola nature can only occur to me as this is my
column. I hope readers imagining your voice hear it as less of an indignant
blast but rather more as an effeminate whinge!
Dear Doctor, so as to easily identify my boxless Meloto foxtrots I've painted
the spool ends blue and red. Red for hot music and blue for tunes that leave me
cold.
A good idea. I painted all my roll spools accordingly until I got to "The
Ritual Fire Dance" which should be "red" however it always leaves
me cold so it's all mucked up and I have consequently thrown your letter away in
the bin! Incidentally Welte once used your type of colour system - turgid dull
germ-manic stuff on red paper and tunes of sheet music that only ever sold less
than 50 copies on green paper. Ever since then, for fear of looking uneducated,
musical snobs have regularly parted with serious cash for these rolls which are
so dull even bookworm leave them alone. As the old saying goes;- "Welte -
bin, James P. Johnson - spoolbox."
LATE ROLL NEWS:
Announcing: news of a
special new double-sided roll for Angelus Duplex Players. One side plays
downwards to the tune of "It's Not Where You Start It's Where You
Finish" then you play the other side in the up direction and suprise
suprise it's Ballet Mechanique! Well, I presume it sounds like Ballet Mechanique
- has anyone ever listened to Ballet Mechanique anyway? You're more likely just
to have read about it I think. Order Roll No.D-13 (Price;- £59.99)
This appeared in the PPG
Bulletin dated 03-2000
Before I begin I must ask you readers for help. I was
recently trying to electroplate some corroded pianola brackets using a stainless
steel kettle, washing soda an old half crown and the main supply and, need I say
more, was severely injured in the process. Can anyone suggest a better method
perhaps? I think the problem might lie in the type of alligator clips I used.
Dear Doctor, imagine my surprise when after purchasing a rare jazz roll in
the Postbid that upon playing it I heard to my utter dismay the sounds of a dull
quasi-sacred ballad in my years contrary to indication on the leader label.
Horror turned to amusement as after a few feet of music someone had written
"Ha Ha Gotcha" in large letters across the roll - which then started
with the tune I expected. Is this roll-splicing practical joke to which I appear
to have succumbed an old one or will everyone try it on each other now I've
mentioned it?
Yes everyone will probably try this now for a right old breeze!
Dear Doctor, on a recent visit to the UK I was astonished to see grown men in
women's clothing dancing about in public to concertina music whilst fencing with
what appeared to be ribbon festooned piano rolls. Are these errant PPG members?
I believe what you encountered was actually a troupe of Morris dancers. At least
I sincerely hope they were - unless and guilty readers hide a ridiculous secret
perhaps?
Dear Doctor, a vicar recently donated several cases of hymn rolls to me.
What should I do?
What a dirty trick! "Donate" them straight back and give the man a
stern ticking off while you're about it too! This is all just another sad
example of the lengths some folks'll go to in trying to dispose of old hymn
rolls. Dressing up as vicar, indeed!
Dear Doctor, are there any pianola rolls in the Millennium Dome?
Although I won't fork out £20 to find out I don't believe there are. Last
November I sent the Prime Minister a plan for mechanical music in the Dome -
well, they seemed short of decent ideas at the time. I suggested an Aeolian
Grand playing liturgical rubbish in the faith zone, a ragtime nickelodeon in the
entertainment zone, a Duo-Art playing Chaminade in the relaxation zone, a wino's
drinks party medley roll on a Welte push-up in the spirit zone and some scrap
spoolbox transmissions in the science and technology zone (naturally with small
descriptive placards). To goad them into it I described my grande
conceptualité stating that my millennial marvels of mechanicalistic
musicalism would embrace a vibrant cool Britannia multiculturally diverse
embodiment of the spirit of the new age of the millennium and the harmonious
emancipation of the therein encapsulated expression of the human soul. Did it do
any good I ask you? No, none whatsoever! And they wrote back to say that of the
multicultural, vibrant new embodiment of the age of diversity-type exhibits they
had completely filled the Dome and couldn't further accept anything similar.
Sadly it seemed others had managed to hoodwink them into accepting equally
rubbish exhibits under the same guise as I before I had a stab the same stunt!
Pah! No lottery handout! And now? Well the Dome's deserted isn't it! And when
they come begging on bended knees I'll just tell 'em "you're too late, my
exhibits are all on the London Eye now!"
Dear Doctor, apart from Hedy Lammars rolls did any other piano rolls help win
the war?
Reading of the passing of pianola roll developeur extraordinaire Hedly
Lammar I feel duty bound to inform you of the recent sad passing of a similar
sub standard footnote to wartime history, Miss Ida Threebles of Forest Gate,
London who passed away at the age of 97. During the Blitz master-spy Helmut
Wagner wrote down plans for the invasion on the back of a 65-note roll of
Beethoven's Fifth. His absence for several weeks on covert spying missions
prompted his landlady to conclude he'd done a runner and so she pawned all his
possession at Miss Threebles shop. Miss Threebles, unwittingly, played the spy's
secret roll on her Angelus Duplex player. Too fat and lazy to swap spools around
she played it back to front upside down and was astonished to see plans for the
german invasion front line instead of the german composition's metrostyle line.
Pedaling ever faster in her excitement she collapsed before the end of the roll,
fell off the piano stool and knocked herself out on a case of black market
condensed milk. She was discovered on the floor by her sister Dolly the next
morning and the two contacted Scotland Yard with the roll. Invasion plans were
thwarted, Britain saved, Wagner secretly executed at the Tower and Churchill had
the BBC broadcast Beethoven's Fifth so Germany would know the game was up. It
was speculated but never proven that Wagner got the spying/music idea from a
George Formby movie and his failure to grasp English "humour" led to
fatal flaws in his plan and his subsequent downfall. Miss Threebles died in
obscurity leaving no children and very little money due to decades of taking
pledges on unsaleable items such as 65-note rolls. Her flat was full to the
ceiling with items completely priceless;- namely old newspapers and jam jars she
was apparently "saving" all of which readers will be pleased to learn
have been left in her will to the sole benefit of the Musical Museum at
Brentford. The museum is unsure whether to store these until they acquire some
price by virtue of age or to dump the lot.
Dear Doctor I have a sticky leather pouch which I need to give the right
dish.
Best to remove it and replace it with another new one. Unless you mean something
quite different in which case I suggest you buy a one-day Travelcard to Soho.
Dear Doctor, you're humour is merely contrived!
No, contrived is "Knock, knock, who's there?" "Mel"
"Mel" who?" "Mel-oto" - that's contrived!
Dear Doctor, how may I get rid of unwanted ballad song rolls?
There are a few good methods. (i) Sell them to arty types at Brighton Antiques
Market on Sunday mornings for £10 each or £20 if they're boxed (ii) Send them
anonymously to another PPG member and write "Postbid" in large letters
on the side of the parcel for a laugh. Don't do this to elderly or otherwise
frail members though (iii) "Send them to Spain with a note to explain that
they come from your grandmothers'" Aeriol push-up piano player.
That's all the questions this time round. Not many I know but if it's all the
same to you I'll blame it on dyslexia if I may as a cover for my general
illiteracy.
This appeared in the PPG
Bulletin dated 06-2000
Excuse me if I seem somewhat breathless, I've just got
out of hospital from another sad player-piano related incident. Recently I
automated the opening of an Ampico grand roll drawer. Using my expertise I
rigged it with parts from an old cash register drawer substituting much stronger
springs from an old mattress. I set it so the roll drawer would open when the
rewind hole opened. Well, I couldn't believe it when I woke up after 3 days out
cold in a hospital bed. It appears the roll drawer shot out at the end of the
tune and winded me hard in the stomach - I think I may have underestimated the
spring tension somewhat. I think what knocked me out was the jumbo Ampico B roll
that flew out at that precise same moment. Ah well, spring tension - it's a
funny thing. Subsequent modification still has the "drawer"-back that
only playing a roll of the "Are You Being Served" theme tune sounds
satisfactory.
Dear Doctor, how may I rid my piano of the smell of mouse urine?
You want something to cancel it out, something that really stinks. Try a roll of
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Evita.
Dear Doctor, what with pianolas being early computers n'all can they catch
viruses?
Yes, I once started my player up with an infected roll in the spool box and
caught a leader virus. Now the piano tinkles and thumps every time a leader runs
over the bar. There's little you can do apart from regular doses of Classic
Mosaics and a good tracker bar pump-out.
Dear Doctor how may I convert my player piano to remote control?
Buy an old vacuum cleaner motor from Honest Jim. Bung it up the backside of the
piano connected to the a long electric lead with a table lamp switch half way
along the cable. This is your main remote control. Take two long pieces of
string and tie one to the play/rewind and the other to the tempo. Fit two
pulleys on the ceiling and run the string up to the ceiling and across the room
to the comfort of your easy chair and down again. It is possible to fit other
pulleys to the ceiling so the strings dangle down conveniently above your chair.
You might fit these with a tassel or for a more antique look perhaps a chain and
pull ring from an old overhead loo cistern.
Dear Doctor, I recently acquired a roll of "The Ragtime Goblin
Man" and was wondering if this related to a true life character much the
same as "Bill Bailey" does.
Yes indeed, the Ragtime Goblin Man did exist. Early in his career he was the
Jig-time Cakewalk Man. He was banned from the 1894 St Louis Cakewalk
Championship upon discovery his legs were naturally bandy and he was therefore
to be regarded as professional. (Incidentally, Torvill and Dean retired from ice
skating championships for similar reasons.) He resurfaced as the Ragtime Goblin
Man around 1905 and developed a reputation for scratching ivory piano keys with
a sharpened treble clef. After the ragtime crash of 1918 he found himself
unemployable. Defecting to Germany in 1939 he restyled himself as The Wartime
Gremlin Man and mainly seized up Spitfire engines during WWII. In the early 50's
recanting his ragtime reminiscences for the book "They All Played
Ragtime" he vehemently insisted that he was a genuine goblin and had solely
invented ragtime and as such had never really been taken seriously. These
"reminiscences" never reached the final print and he died very senile
indeed six months later.
Dear Doctor, I have seen the new PPG website and need advice on creating
my own.
You'll need to get a long blank piano roll 11¼ inches wide . Mark it off into 3
inch wide strips then punch the words out 9 holes per inch in hexidecimal code.
For capital letters coincide the letter with a themodist hole. To view the
website play it back in a pianola with a PowerRoll connected to a modem. Why a
baby could do it! For slow modems set the roll at least 90.
Dear Doctor, how much suction can the average player supply. I am very
interested to know.
Quite a jolly amount infact! I was recently perusing some holiday brochures when
I hit upon the eco-friendly idea of utilising suction power for locomotion. I
mounted a spare Aeolian treadle pump with some old bicycle parts into an old
pedalo from the local boating lake. The theory was that suction power would
drive the turbines round. Sadly I fitted the flap valves wrongly. My treadling
sucked in water, the boat sank and I nearly drowned. I felt just like Icarus
must have! Back at home a week later I fitted the unit with wheels and brushes
and now ride it up and down my hallway as a ride-on vacuum cleaner. I got the
idea from Amateur Gardening looking at lawnmowers funnily enough!
Dear Doctor, what's the oddest thing you found inside a player piano.
After putting up "Lost" signs on trees down my road I was in despair
as to the whereabouts of my pet cat. In despair I sank down into my armchair and
put a roll on my custom built remote control pedal-electric
"Meloto-Art" player. Pulling the remote control string the motor
kicked into life with a most wretched goddam awful racket! I thought I had pump
thump until I opened the bottom board. The cat shot out and made for the door
but I managed to knock it out with a well thrown roll of "Der
Meistersingers Von Nurnberg". I went straight down the vets to have him
neutered after that I can tell you!
Dear Doctor, how may I start up my own player "restorations"
outfit?
First buy as much old pneumatic cloth as possible to keep costs down. Advise
suspicious customers that pneumatic cloth matures and improves with age like
cheese. Recycle old offcuts (eco-friendly!) and clean up knackered out original
old cloth with Mr Sheen. To restore old leather valves you'll need a stiff
toothbrush and some of that spray secondhand car dealers use to make
"leather" upholstery smell new. If anyone doubts your
"workmanship" just tell 'em they don't make new leather anymore.
You'll need lollipop sticks and rubber bands for piano action repairs. By eating
at least one Lemon Sparkle ice lolly each day from June you'll have enough
sticks for repairing a Steinway B come mid-September. For profitability just
patch 'em up so they play for a month at the customers house by which time, if
you rip them off for enough money and give them enough free Chaminade rolls, the
novelty and pleasure of a player piano will have worn off completely. With the
money you "earn" you can afford to do stuff all with your life on a
daily basis. If you get stroppy customers just talk 'em to death. If all else
fails cower under the desk and pretend you're on holiday or stay at home
"ill".
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